Sermon of James: A Correctional Officer’s Story, Part 2
I think the worst torture we do to the inmates is not let ’em kill themselves, not let them hang themselves. I know if I was sentenced to this shithole, I’d for sure be wanting to off myself. If I was locked in my bathroom for the rest of my life, sleeping next to my toilet, smelling the reek of shit. Ah, bro, I’d for sure pull an Aaron Hernandez, you know…
You gotta watch yourself in here, bro. Look, ‘bout a year back, in Cell Block C, one of our guards, a buddy of mine, Pete, got his throat slashed… He died… Guy had a 2-year-old kid… The piece of shit who killed him was already doing life… He got the death penalty, but it won’t be for another 20 years ‘till they jab him with the Jesus juice. And that’s if they even carry it out. And now the piece of shit has a cushier cell in a better prison. And better food. Meanwhile, my buddy is fucking dead. The man is cold and dead in the ground.
Every day, I come to work and I wonder if that’ll be me, you know.
And not a day goes by that I don’t think of him, that I don’t remember ol’ Pete. The joker. I miss him, bro, I really, really do. Pete, that fucking lanky Irish asshole, his eyes never lining up quite right. The goofy looking ginger fuck. Do I ever miss that guy…
Oh, Christ on a stick… Peteyboy… he’d tell the dirtiest jokes in the breakroom. If an inmate hadn’t taken him out, I’m sure a female prison guard would have done it, like if we ever had another. I could see that… Like, I don’t think I’d ever met anyone with that huge a repertoire of fart and pussy jokes. The guy was always smiling even on the worst of days. He was always cracking jokes.
You know you form tight bonds with the other guards in here. We’re like a family. We stick close. We’re tight. That’s how you survive, bro.
It’s been almost a year… But… I… I get choked up when I think of ol’ Pete. We saved a spot for him in our bowling league. And no one will ever take the spot, goddammit. Don’t get me started. I’ll get teared up. You’ll see me cry like a…
I was fucking fuming after the funeral. I kept my head hanging low the whole time. I went up, knelt, and prayed at the casket, like a good Catholic, but I couldn’t look. I couldn’t see a guy that full of life and smiles… I couldn’t see him lying dead in a wooden box. I just couldn’t look… And then I remember, like, after the eulogies, they played his favorite song, “Numb” by Linkin Park.
Bro, I can’t hear that song without choking up…
A few of us guards had planned on flushing out the piece of shit, the animal who whacked Pete. We was gonna shake him down, make a disturbance in his cell, and then… But he got moved, quickly.
At least the CERT team teargassed the fuck, got some good licks on him with their batons. They bloodied him some, busted his nose open. Really a shame he didn’t die… I know the CERT boys was holding back, though, I know it, because, bro, they got cameras these days… They got stinking cameras everywhere…
Oh, then the sack of shit, the fucking animal, he gets arrested. In prison. A guy with a life sentence gets arrested. Not sure what the point of that was… I remember the local cops coming in, reading him his rights, and leading the bloodied-face-fuck out in handcuffs. I could tell it hurt those guys to do that. I could tell they wanted to leave him in there, with us. I could see the sad looks in their eyes.
I mean, I know those guys, the local cops. They’re good guys, too. We drink at the same bar. But we never talked about that. Wasn’t any need. They was at the funeral… It’s like, we’re part of the same family, you know. Like I says, they’re good people, those guys. I know they didn’t wanna do that…
What happened to the sack of shit? He was moved to a jail and then to supermax. That’s where the tattoo-face freak is rotting now. That’s where they got the death row.
You know, I bet the higher ups, fucking liberal fairies, pencil pushing pansies, they probably knew what’d become of him if they kept him here too much longer. Don’t believe for a second they didn’t know.
And again, why do we even bother? I’ve thought of how much better it would be if none of these shitbags exist. Especially after what happened to Pete, I’ve thought of bringing in a machine gun, going cell to cell, spraying down each and every one of these animals. It’d be doing them a solid. It’d be doing society a solid. I’d be doing the taxpayers a service, for sure.
Bro, I was listening to a podcast by this fucktard, Ari Shaffir. He’s got this other comedy fucktard on there and they’re rambling about how a homeless fuck in Brooklyn keeps running up and squatting and dropping big hairy shits on their friend’s stoop and doorway and how the local police won’t do nothing and how the neighbors just wanna dig a big pit for the homeless, then herd the bums in there at gunpoint, push the bums into the pit and throw up an electric fence around it, and every so often, go by there and heave some food over the fence to ’em. Like that’s the perfect way to solve the homeless problem in America. Just dig big ass pits everywhere, push the bums in.
The whole idea got me thinking of the prisoners, how that’d be perfect for them too. Fucking herd them, like cattle, into pits, fence them in there, and throw them food a couple times a week.
Or, better yet, like in the movie Scarface, do a boatlift like that sack of shit Castro did to get rid of all Cuba’s criminals. Why can’t America do that? Stuff all these fucks on a boat, send ’em to China or something. That’d be perfect revenge for the COVID, fucking Wuhan plague. Get the fuckers back for Korea, Vietnam, and stealing our jobs with their rigged currency and fucking sweatshops.
Bro, on the drive to work the other day I was listening to Rush Limbaugh, and he’s talking about how China wants to go to war with us over Taiwan. Pfft… Fucking commies… I say we take Taiwan. We make it the 51st state. Make it West Hawaii.
The Taiwanese are fucking cool, bro. We got a Taiwanese family running a buffet in town, great folks, great folks, best butter chicken you ever ate in your life. The owner there was telling me and my wife how he fled China, fucking paddled through shark-infested seas, on a toilet seat, a fucking toilet seat, bro. The guy swam from China to Taiwan, escaping the commies. All ’cause he’s a Christian. Commies are the worst, bro, the stinking worst…
The poor bastard… I mean, a fucking toilet seat, bro… It’s just not right…
Nah, you know, better yet, I was thinking we fly cargo planes packed with the worst of our criminals and every last one of our filthiest fucking squat-shitting homeless and we drop ’em like bombs over Chinese cities. Let them choke on that. Damn communists.
